HR Manager in Heaven........too good!!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
...
...
....
....
....
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"wardSourceID

Total Solar Eclipse 22/07/2009 Pics

Total Solar Eclipse 22/07/2009 Pics

NO ride ??

A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up.

The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"

"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station.."

The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to f**k me! No f**k, no ride."

She said, "I`m sorry, I don`t need a ride that badly."

So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder.

The parrot started saying, "No f**k, no ride! No f**k, no ride!"

The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I`m gonna throw you in back with the chickens!"

About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No f**k, no ride!"

So the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens! About 2 more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over.
He got out of the truck and approached the officer.

"What`s the problem, officer. I wasn`t speeding was I?"

The officer said, "I wasn`t pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, "No f**k, no ride! No f**k, no ride!"

Americanised Ramayana

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother. This is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude -- he was Ram -- to some national forest or something...

Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him.... So anyways, you don't mess with Gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys.... just go along with me, ok...

So, Ram, Lax, and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that.

So, they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks... .

Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know.

And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

The mother fainted.

The Honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Career Path Finder

Nice message

"I can't follow you everywhere..."

"Avoid using mobile while driving..."

Article on ART OF DRIVING IN INDIA

In case you want to drive when you are next in India. Enjoy ... to Drive in India - as observed by an outsider. This hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad...

Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.
The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both”. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any
Better position. Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground
Drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded.

What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with
a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat).
Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and - The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in the constitution.
Having said all this isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!??

Madam. My....

A handsome blind person was allowed to stay as a paying guest by a lonely land lady. Being blind, he was considered as harmless creature free to move any where in the house.

Once he comes back to house from out side. The moment he enters the house he starts shouting happily and searching the land lady in the house.


He is asks impatiently. “Madam where are you I am very happy today. I want to give very good news to you. Where are you madam? Please tell me.”

The madam replies, “Just wait. I am in the bathroom. I will come with in five minutes”


He was anxious. He says, “No. No. Madam. I can not wait. The news is so good and I want to share it with you instantly. Please come out immediately”.

Madam thinks, “Let me honour his wish.. Any how the poor fellow is blind. “


So she comes out of the bathroom naked and asks the blind person, come here tell me what the good news is?

He replies, “Madam, do you know? My vision is back”

*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-* -*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-* -*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-* -*-*-*-*- *-*

Innocent Johnny

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock, what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

Boys have more control

A boy is telling proudly to his close friend as to what he did with his girlfriend whom he took to a hotel room for three consequtive nights.

Boy to his friend "First day I took out her cloths waited for some time and we came back."

Friend asks him "Only this much? Why?

Boy Reples, " Because, She should not feel that I do not have courage to undress her.

Boy further tells his friend, " Second day, I undressed her and also undressed my self, and then we came back."

Friend again asked him, " Reallly? That's all?

Boy Replies. " Ya. Because, she should not feel that I can not control myself".

Boy further reports to his friend, "On third and last day, I undressed her, then I undressed myself, then I masterbetted myself and we came back immeditely."

Friend shockingly asks him " No sex with her at all? Why?"

Boy replies, "Ya. Because she should not feel that I can not manage with out her"

moan sex

Shane comes home and finds his wife Rita crying.

She says, "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for twenty years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Shane says, "It's true, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."

Rita says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."

They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, she says, "Now, Shane? Should I moan now?"

He says, "No, not yet."

He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"

He says, "No, I'll tell you when."

He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.

She says, "Is it time for me to moan now,?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when."

A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Moan. Moan..."

She says, "Oye, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."

WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY

Indians are like this.... only so true, so very
true..........

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and
tomatoes.

2.. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of
course aluminum foil.

3.. You are always standing next to the two largest size
suitcases at the Airport.

4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think
it's normal.

5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service
missed to stamp.

6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and
Anniversary Gifts.

7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita &
Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini..)

8. All your children
have pet names, which sound nowhere,
close to their real names.

9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food
Allowed.'

10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving
someone's house.

11.. You load up the family car with as many people as
possible.

12. HIGH PRIORITY ***** You use plastic to cover anything
new in your house
whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new
couch. *****

13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends
think, but they won't let you do certain things because
of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties' will think..

14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as
it is for special occasions, which never happen.

15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

16.. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many
numbers of bowls as possible.

18. Your kitchen shelf is full
of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free
with purchase of other stuff)

19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel
(and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old.
(And they prefer it that way).

23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.

24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.

25.. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to
see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus,
train or plane.

26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest
in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel
proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of
light.

27. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.

28. If you don't live at home, when your
parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if
it's midnight.

29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or
Aunty.

30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few
minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant
cousin.

31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to
foreign
countries have improved in the last two decades, and still
scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.

32.. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them
from getting dirty.

33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than
600 people.

34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.

35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.


I STILL LOVE TO BE AN INDIAN ...hum to esse hii hai
bhaiyaa!!!!!!!!!!:)

Difference between CV , Resume & Bio Data

People use the words RESUME, C.V., and BIO-DATA interchangeably for the
document highlighting skills, education, and experience that a candidate
submits when applying for a job. On the surface level, all the three
mean the same. However, there are intricate differences.

RESUME

Resume Is a French word meaning "summary", and true to the word
meaning, signifies a summary of one's employment, education, and other
skills, used in applying for a new position. A resume seldom exceeds one
side of an A4 sheet, and at the most two sides. They do not list out all
the education and qualifications, but only highlight specific skills
customized to target the job profile in question.
A resume is usually broken into bullets and written in the third person
to appear objective and formal. A good resume starts with a brief
Summary of Qualifications, followed by Areas of Strength or Industry
Expertise in keywords, followed by Professional Experience in reverse
chronological order. Focus is on the most recent experiences, and prior
experiences summarized. The content aims at providing the reader a
balance of responsibilities and accomplishments for each position. After
Work experience come Professional Affiliations, Computer Skills, and
Education .

C.V : CURRICULUM VITAE

C.V Is a Latin word meaning "course of life". Curriculum
Vitae (C.V.) is therefore a regular or particular course of study
pertaining to education and life. A C.V. is more detailed than a resume,
usually 2 to 3 pages, but can run even longer as per the requirement. A
C.V. generally lists out every skills, jobs, degrees, and professional
affiliations the applicant has acquired, usually in chronological order.
A C.V. displays general talent rather than specific skills for any
specific positions.

BIO-DATA

Bio Data the short form for Biographical Data, is the old-fashioned
terminology for Resume or C.V. The emphasis in a bio data is on personal
particulars like date of birth, religion, sex, race, nationality,
residence, martial status, and the like. Next comes a chronological
listing of education and experience. The things normally found in a
resume, that is specific skills for the job in question comes last, and
are seldom included. Bio-data also includes applications made in
specified formats as required by the company.

A resume is ideally suited when applying for middle and senior level
positions, where experience and specific skills rather than education is
important. A C.V., on the other hand is the preferred option for fresh
graduates, people looking for a career change, and those applying for
academic positions. The term bio-data is mostly used in India while
applying to government jobs, or when applying for research grants and
other situations where one has to submit descriptive essays.

Resumes present a summary of highlights and allow the prospective
employer to scan through the document visually or electronically, to see
if your skills match their available positions. A good resume can do
that very effectively, while a C.V. cannot. A bio-data could still
perform this role, especially if the format happens to be the one
recommended by the employer.

Personal information such as age, sex, religion and others, and hobbies
are never mentioned in a resume. Many people include such particulars in
the C.V. However, this is neither required nor considered in the US
market. A Bio-data, on the other hand always include such personal
particulars.

MINDSET