TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!
Showing posts with label sex jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sexy Secretary!
Two law partners hire a sexy, young secretary, and though they're both already married, they agree to see who can score with her first.
Eventually, one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
"So, what did you think?" asks the partner.
"Ah," replies the first partner, "my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the young secretary.
"So," asks the first partner, "what did you think?"
The second partner replies, "You're right... Your wife is better."
Eventually, one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
"So, what did you think?" asks the partner.
"Ah," replies the first partner, "my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the young secretary.
"So," asks the first partner, "what did you think?"
The second partner replies, "You're right... Your wife is better."
What is Sex?
A kid goes up to his father and asks, "Dad what is sex?"
His dad was afraid of this day for a while so he told his son to ask his grandmother.
He goes to his grandmother, who's husband has been gone for a long time now and asks, "Grammy, what is sex?"
She took him away, had sex with him, and he now knew what sex was.
The kid goes back to his father and tells him what happened.
His father screams, "YOU FUCKED MY MOM!"
The little boy screams back at him "NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!"
His dad was afraid of this day for a while so he told his son to ask his grandmother.
He goes to his grandmother, who's husband has been gone for a long time now and asks, "Grammy, what is sex?"
She took him away, had sex with him, and he now knew what sex was.
The kid goes back to his father and tells him what happened.
His father screams, "YOU FUCKED MY MOM!"
The little boy screams back at him "NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!"
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Innocent Johnny
A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock, what does the clock have that I have too?"
One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."
Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."
"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"
After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."
One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."
Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."
"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"
After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Boys have more control
A boy is telling proudly to his close friend as to what he did with his girlfriend whom he took to a hotel room for three consequtive nights.
Boy to his friend "First day I took out her cloths waited for some time and we came back."
Friend asks him "Only this much? Why?
Boy Reples, " Because, She should not feel that I do not have courage to undress her.
Boy further tells his friend, " Second day, I undressed her and also undressed my self, and then we came back."
Friend again asked him, " Reallly? That's all?
Boy Replies. " Ya. Because, she should not feel that I can not control myself".
Boy further reports to his friend, "On third and last day, I undressed her, then I undressed myself, then I masterbetted myself and we came back immeditely."
Friend shockingly asks him " No sex with her at all? Why?"
Boy replies, "Ya. Because she should not feel that I can not manage with out her"
moan sex
Shane comes home and finds his wife Rita crying.
She says, "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for twenty years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Shane says, "It's true, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."
Rita says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."
They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, she says, "Now, Shane? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, not yet."
He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, "Is it time for me to moan now,?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Moan. Moan..."
She says, "Oye, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."
She says, "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for twenty years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Shane says, "It's true, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."
Rita says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."
They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, she says, "Now, Shane? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, not yet."
He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, "Is it time for me to moan now,?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Moan. Moan..."
She says, "Oye, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."
Thursday, June 25, 2009
NINE MONTHS LATER
NINE MONTHS LATER
| Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
|
Monday, June 15, 2009
Loving Husband !!
The Loving Husband
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind
would
have a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event
of the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been together since we got married."
"Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you
couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head sadly and replies.
"No. They're all at the funeral."
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind
would
have a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event
of the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been together since we got married."
"Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you
couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head sadly and replies.
"No. They're all at the funeral."
Men are better friends
Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!
Conclusion : Men are better friends
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!
Conclusion : Men are better friends
Thursday, June 4, 2009
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HANDS OFF
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other good night at the front door, the
guy started feeling a little more romantic. With an air of confidence,
he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her
"Honey, would you give me a kiss ?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her.
" No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
" No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
" No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
" No, no. I just can't" " I'm begging you ... "
Suddenly.....Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and
The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And
in a sleepy voice she said,
" Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if
needed, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake
....
"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL.........."
As they were about to wish each other good night at the front door, the
guy started feeling a little more romantic. With an air of confidence,
he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her
"Honey, would you give me a kiss ?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her.
" No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
" No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
" No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
" No, no. I just can't" " I'm begging you ... "
Suddenly.....Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and
The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And
in a sleepy voice she said,
" Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if
needed, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake
....
"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL.........."
CHILDREN'S INNOCENCE
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation? ' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation? ' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
CHILDREN'S INNOCENCE
TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation? ' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation? ' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
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